How to Help Your Clients Find Their Core Desires

What is a Core Desire?

Put simply, a Core Desire is what someone wants to feel during sex. When people think about what turns them on sexually, they often go straight to acts, positions, toys etc. 

However, on a deeper level, turn-ons are really about what people want to feel during sex. When someone comes into your coaching practice to make their sex lives better, helping them find their Core Desires is where you want to start. Core Desires are foundational to the Somatica Method. 

Why Are Core Desires So Important?

When you look at the sex advice available, you will find a lot of hot tips and tricks that rarely touch the deeper level of our erotic mind. Starting with acts and positions is kind of like shooting in the dark – one out of a thousand times you might hit the mark. And while these ideas might bring a little bit of novelty and excitement, they eventually fall flat.

However, when you guide your clients to understanding their Core Desires, you start them on the pathway to designing a sex life that fits them like a glove. 

Let’s start with an example…

Maybe your client has the Core Desire of being taken, but they’ve never really thought about it. Then they read a sex advice article that tells them that you can spice up your sex life by doing a sexy dance for your partner. They get excited imagining how their partner might react. They fantasize that their partner will get so aroused, won’t be able to contain themselves, throw them down on the bed, and ravage them.

The partner, not knowing that your client’s Core Desire is to be taken, thinks they are supposed to just sit and respectfully admire the dance without interrupting. Maybe they’ll make a few comments about how beautiful and sexy they are. They become frustrated and feel rejected, because they imagined this new seduction would lead to the fantasy in their head. However, they didn’t tell their partner that they wanted to feel taken – so really, they just offered a sexy dance.

What a NIGHTMARE!

Now, imagine you are a Somatica coach. You have helped your client get to the bottom of their own Core Desire of being taken. You coach them to be clear with their partner about this desire, with some examples of how the partner might bring this feeling to them. With this kind of understanding and communication, there is a much higher likelihood that their fantasies will come true. What a DREAM!

How to Help Your Client Find Their Core Desires

Our book Coming Together shares many ways you can help your clients find their Core Desires. If you want to become an expert in supporting them with this (and all of the other challenges and goals that people have around intimacy), you can take the full Somatica Certification Training. 

In the training, you will get tons of practice being a detective of Core Desires. You will learn how to assist people lower their shame about their desires, guide couples in learning each other’s Core Desires experientially, and overcome sexual incompatibilities.

Core Desires Visualization

One of the most effective ways to find Core Desires is to guide your client through a visualization.

You may first want to see what it’s like to go through the visualization yourself. This excerpt from the book can be your guide. You can either read through it first and then close your eyes and start. Or, you can have a partner or friend walk you through it. Another idea would be to make a recording of it and then follow along with your own voice.

Step 1: Find a Comfortable Place

Find a place where you feel comfortable and have privacy. It is best to be sitting or lying down. You don’t need to be in any kind of meditation pose for this practice, and it might actually be more helpful for you to have back support. If you are lying down, you can lie flat or with your knees bent.

Above all else, find a position that helps you feel the most relaxed and connected to your pelvic floor.

Step 2: Practice Mindful Breathing

Close your eyes and take some nice, slow, deep breaths through your mouth. We encourage mouth breathing because it can sometimes help you bring the breath more deeply into your body. However, there is no right way to breathe. If you find yourself much more connected and comfortable when you breathe through your nose, feel free to do that.

Send the breath toward your chest, allowing the muscles in your chest to relax, release, and flow with the breath. If it helps you aim your breath, feel free to put your hand on your chest and breathe toward your hand. Do not force relaxation here. This is more about allowing the breath and experiencing your body than trying to make any particular type of change.

Next, send the breath down to your belly. Allow the belly to rise and fall with the breath. Again, you may want to place your hand on your belly and feel your hand rising and falling. Tune into your body and allow any thoughts to float by while continuing to focus on your breath and your self-touch.

Finally, send the breath all the way down to your pelvic floor – your penis or vulva (or whatever you call your genitals) and your perineum. Feel the breath go all the way down to your anal muscles, allowing all of the muscles in your pelvic floor to open and relax. You may want to place your hand on your pelvis for a deeper connection.

Step 3: Deepen the Connection

Once you are breathing all the way down, it is time to enhance your connection to sensations in your pelvic floor. You do this by squeezing your pelvic floor muscles (or PC muscles – also sometimes referred to as doing Kegels).

Instead of thinking of this as a strengthening exercise, we want you to focus on its erotic potential. As you breathe in, take a nice deep squeeze of your vaginal or penile muscles, almost as if you are stopping yourself from peeing. On the out-breath, release these muscles. Do this breathing and releasing at least 20 times to get the full effect.

As you are squeezing your pelvic muscles, start noticing your body and how it feels. Imagine a hot sexual experience that you’ve had – or that you want to have – or some fantasy that really turns you on. Let your mind land on an experience or fantasy that would most likely trigger an orgasm.

As you breathe and squeeze your pelvic muscles, embody this scene as much as possible and paint all of the details you can. What has built you up to it? Where are you? Who is there with you – one other person, or a whole stadium full of people? What does the place look like? What scents do you smell? Are you inside or outside? Is it daytime or night? Is it lit? With what – candles, a chandelier, a spotlight? What are you wearing – and what are other people wearing?

What are the actions? Are they happening to you or are you doing things to someone else? Are you watching as others engage with each other? Let yourself fully paint the entire scene, and focus on the parts that turn you on the most.

Step 4: Notice Your Feelings

As you are seeing and experiencing the scene with as many details as possible, start to notice the feelings you are having. Which of those feelings matter the most to you? Take a moment to notice the feelings that seem to create a response in your body. Notice whether the response is arousal or something else. 

You may feel:

Loved, Calm, Degraded, Wanted, Powerful, Free, Precious, Desired, Beautiful, Connected, Considered, Playful, Fun, Vulnerable, Cared for, Alive, Creative, Taken care of, Reassured, Pushed, Open, Received, Dominant, Collaborative, Played With, Exploitative, Manipulative, Taken Advantage Of, Used, Naughty, Afraid/Scared, Penetrated, Approved of, Forced, Encouraged, Adventuresome, Ravished, Seen, Dissolved, Shamed, Impressive, Authentic, Consumed, United, Generous, Spiritual, Trusted, Punished, Out of Control, Open, Accepted, Powerful, Free, Not Responsible, Transcendent, Appreciated, In Control, Celebrated, Capable, Sexy, Taken, Probed, Submissive, Valued, Adored, Secretive, Exposed, Controlled, Feminine, Masculine, Accepted, Cruel, Teased, Irresistible, Merged, Unattainable, Worshipped, Contained, Pleasing, Mysterious, and/or Supported.

Or, it may be a feeling or feelings that isn’t mentioned here. If so, please add your own feelings to the list.

You might notice that some of the feelings on the list could be thought of as “negative” – such as degraded, forced, shamed, or cruel. See if you can be honest about what you want to feel. Try not to judge or shame yourself for it. (You don’t have to tell anyone unless and until you feel ready). 

You may have several feelings that seem to be at odds with one another – or they may all be in alignment. Either way, let all the feelings be there. Let yourself feel these feelings, let them spread through your body. Now go back to that fantasy and see what in particular makes you feel the feelings.

Is it specific actions or acts? The environment? The relationship between you and others, or between those you are watching or who are watching you? Is it a particular type of person or some inanimate object? Is it certain words or phrases?

Once you have a good idea of what you want to feel, take one last deep breath to solidify this new awareness.

Step 5: Personalize Your Experience

If the visualization didn’t quite work for you, you can also look at the list of feelings above and write down any of them that feel pertinent to your arousal. Once you have your personalized list, rank the words from most to least important, and pay attention to themes across the words. For example, if you choose dissolved, united, and merged, you can see that all of these have a similar feel to them.

Take some time to write down the memory or fantasy and especially the feelings you’ve identified. One-by-one, acknowledge each of the feelings – these are your true Core Desires.

Bringing Core Desires Into Your Coaching Practice

One of the most fun and fulfilling things about being a sex and relationship coach is the opportunity to help clients proudly claim their turn-ons – and then go out in the world and get them met. When you empower your clients with the concept of Core Desires and help them get to the bottom of what they really want out of sex, you have given them a gift that will last a lifetime.

In the Somatica Certification Training, learning about Core Desires is just one of the many tools you gain to help your clients understand themselves as sexual beings. You’ll also learn about the three dimensions of sex, helping clients find their hottest sexual movies and tons of practical tools to release shame, savor sensuality, and soak up all the amazing benefits sex has to offer.

Find out more about how you can get trained in this revolutionary method.