Setting Boundaries in Relationships – Learn to Say NO

Being empowered in your relationship relies on three keys: managing relationship dependency, gaining emotional maturity, and setting boundaries – which means learning to say NO.

In short:  sharing your boundaries – as well as eliciting and respecting your partner’s – will give each of you greater emotional independence, intimacy, and sustainability.

Learn to Say No – First Steps

The first step in setting boundaries however is knowing when something is a boundary. You can imagine doing whatever you are being asked to – and then seeing how you feel about it. If you get an angry, heavy, sick or shut-down feeling, or if you feel like distancing yourself from your partner, then you probably have a boundary.

The next step then is learning how to say “NO”. Most people think boundaries are a harsh rejection. However, it is possible to learn to say no lovingly.

Talk about yourself instead of your partner. You could say, “Hey, I know you want me to come to all of your company events. I really do want to support you, but I’m realizing it will put me way beyond my capacity for socializing, especially with strangers. I’d like to stick to only going to the holiday parties twice a year.” 

How to Say No Without Hurting Someone’s Feelings

One of the more difficult aspects of setting boundaries is learning how to say no without hurting someone’s feelings.

Spoiler alert: even if you communicate your boundaries perfectly, you likely won’t avoid hurting their feelings. You may have even entered into the relationship, expecting to have deep intimacy without inflicting pain on your partner. Often however, you end up being less honest and genuine that way. And – it only causes more problems in the long run.

Once you internalize the impossibility of never hurting your partner’s feelings, you can be real with them. Being truthful and real always leads to deeper intimacy. This allows you to focus on being emotionally available and empathetic when a painful situation arises.